Marie Antoinette Sucks

I wouldn’t call this a “review,” per se, but more of a desperate attempt at escape. My girlfriend has rented Marie Antoinette, starring Kirsten Dunst, whom I usually like.

This film sucks. Don’t see it. If it comes walking toward you, lay down and play dead. If it comes ringing at your door, open up only to punch it in the face. If you accidentally see it in the aisle at your local Blockbuster, walk briskly away and never, never, walk in that aisle again, for fear of its taint.

It’s still playing on my TV, yet I felt the need to leave its sphere of influence to write about how bad it is. That’s how bad it is.

Why is it so bad? It isn’t even worthy of a paragraph, so I will allow it only bullets:

• It’s horribly boring. I can’t remember the last time I saw a film that dragged on this long without accomplishing much of anything.

• The melding of modern music with a classical setting idea just doesn’t work. Granted, they chose good songs to include in the film, but it just doesn’t make any sense or lend anything useful to the story. I think they did it just to attract the MySpace generation.

• The film is set in France, but everyone has a British accent. You only know they’re supposed to be French because they use words like “Mademoiselle” and “Dauphin”. Marie, a supposed Austrian, sounds like she’s shopping for handbags in Beverly Hills. Dunst didn’t even attempt an authentic accent, but in her defense, maybe she wasn’t allowed to.

• She also does not get nude, but in her defense, maybe she wanted to, but wasn’t allowed.

• I will say that it is very nicely shot, but if I’m going to give them credit for that, I might as well go put some pearls on a pig.

Oh, wait, it just ended, and now I see why I’m having to write this…. The wrong Coppolla is behind it.

~ by M6 Productions on March 4, 2007.